Memory …either it works or it doesn’t.
For me, at least, this seems to be the case. Some things stick while others pass along. What makes for the ’sticking’? I suppose it’s the interest you put in. If something really grabs your attention, then you’ll remember it. If it’s something casual or ‘everyday’ in a way, then it’ll appear as wallpaper …blending into the background, never to be recalled again.
What happens though, when you put a friend into that background? Well, it’s probably not such a big deal. I mean, if we had to remember everything about all our friends then I’m sure our brains would explode. And besides that, who would want to remember everything!? I suppose it’s the normal way for things to happen – you remember a few things and they remember a few things, and together you put the pieces into place. But, for example (lol), what if your friend remembered something because they saw it as interesting, but you didn’t find it that way – and simply forgot it. What if your friend brings up some event in your past that meant something to them, and you couldn’t remember a thing? How would you feel?
Well, let me cut to the chase for a moment…
I feel bad.
A friend, and by that I mean someone who is in someways important to me, brought up a meeting that I can’t remember happening. Yes, it was close to 15 years ago, but what stresses me about it is that I’ve always thought somewhat ‘highly’ of this person, and not being able to remember our encounter makes me feel like …well, crap. Yes, it was a gig. Yes, I often get tunnel vision of sorts when I’m playing. Yes, I thrive on blocking out the audience when I play. Yes, I disappear into my own little world between sets. Yes, I get stressed out if someone I know is watching me. All in all, I’m not myself on stage or in crowded places. I get self-conscious and my brain runs amok with all sorts of crap that only makes me feel stranger. If you ever want to see me …ever want to know me, then don’t do it at a gig. At least don’t let my demeanor that night be any true indication of the type of person I am. It’s just not me.
Fifteen years ago that was the case. Currently, it’s still the case! There are moments when I feel comfortable enough on stage that I can let my guard down and kinda be myself. But it’s hard to get to that point, and for the most part, it doesn’t really happen. It’s who I am.
But I still feel bad.
