party of one

The Anneli Rufus book ‘Party of One’ finally came in, and having just finished it the other day I would like to officially go on record to say that yes - I am a loner …and fine with it

I thought that maybe I was just being an idiot …an anti-social anomaly who didn’t have the coping skills, but after reading about others who share a similar plight I now don’t see it that way …although it may be the case that you nonloners do see me/us this way - but then there is nothing I/we can do to change your behavior or feelings about that …right? She references a fellow called Steven Pinker (his book ‘The Blank Slate‘ is something I’ll definitely have to check out one of these days) who forwards the possibility that the ‘loner mind’ may not solely be a product of environment - but instead partially based on hereditary traits. Of course this opens the door to all types of ‘possibly hereditarily influenced’ behaviours/traits/tendencies (religious, spiritual, mathematic, social etc.) which in turn bring new insights to the whole nature vs nurture debate. Pinker aside though, Rufus herself makes a lot of interesting observations about the loner lifestyle, reasons why things are the way they are and provides an impressive list of those who throughout history have been ‘out of sorts’ with the rest - and in many aspects of society. A few for example… Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, Emily Dickinson, J.D. Salinger, John Steinbeck, J. Paul Getty, Rene Descartes, Crazy Horse, Albert Einstein …and Batman.

Some items that caught my eye: Creativity is almost exclusively a product of the loner. Loners have fewer but better friends. The most popular super-heros are loners. Loners need pop-culture (as provided by the media for they’re not likely to venture out to get it ‘first hand’). Loners “tend not to adopt fads and eschew to peer pressure” (pg. 50). “Loners who want partners are better off with loners.” (pg. 83). Loners are almost continually incapable of casual relationships. Intimacy lies at the end of a journey. “Art breeds loners. Loners breed art.” (pg. 116). Loners avoid public worship/prayer. The title ‘Loner’ (as portrayed by the media and used to represent serial killers/mass murderers/estranged anti-social misfits etc.) is unjust as these people (known as pseudoloners) actually need and crave social acceptance - whereas the true loner does not. The ‘Loner’ title also allows the general public to feel safe because it reaffirms their belief that this person is not integrated into society - and this is why the label is used (ie: misused) exclusively in the media to describe those who stand/act-out against the norm …yet those who act out, of course, cannot be loners. Most cowboys are loners. “For a loner, the idea of dressing is self-betrayal” (pg. 227). “Solo pastimes (for children) hone creativity. Reading. Writing. Crafts.” (pg. 257). “They (nonloners) cannot fathom loners any more than birds can fathom lips.” (Introduction).

I’m glad I did read the book. If I hadn’t, I don’t think it would of made a hugh difference - because regardless of what others think of me, I am who I am. However, having read the book simply reassures me that I am not alone …lol, even though I am.

the run

I originally got my first mp3 player so I could take it out on my runs - after 2 or 3 trips (3 or 4 years ago) I got somewhat tired with it - tired with it while running that is. Part of it was the noise you get from traffic, for which you had to ‘crank’ the volume in order to hear anything - and I hate background music (and loud music too) …which is what it became. A few times since then I’ve taken it out, but aside from those scant occasions I’ve never really used it on runs. Today I did …and for some reason it was good!

It may have been the remote trails that I took - it also may have been the hard plastic banded head set (I recently found in an old box of stuff) that kept the plugs from moving around …whatever the case though, it was good - and of course the tunes helped things along: some gems to note would be various Beastie Boys’ songs covered by Ruben WIlson, the Bic Runga song ‘Listening For The Weather’, an old Police tune that I only came across a few years ago while playing with this guy (who’s into real estate now I believe) called ‘Next To You’, Cake stuff of course, that Feist girl, my good buddy Stew Kirkwood got in the mix and I seem to recall some older 70’s funk finally ending (just over 1 hr. later) with ‘Straight Outta Compton’.

And now the sun is out

the death of Ivan Ilyich

A friend of mine suggested a few different books to read (Uncultured? Me? lol) so I went with one of her shorter picks - Leo Tolstoy’s “The Death of Ivan Ilyich”. To make up for its brevity I decided to read it twice, which of course allowed me to pick up on other things I initially glanced over. The subject was obviously death - and as thought provoking as the topic is I somehow couldn’t ‘buy into’ his unique portrayal of it - although I did like his style and found myself easily pulled along. But as for the concept - I think it may have to do with ‘beating the issue to death’ in my own head way back in the ‘good ol’ days’ so to speak. As I was posting my poems I couldn’t believe how many I had to skip over because they all discussed the same thing, and when it wasn’t people or animals or bugs it was trees and snow and seasons …all of it dying in different ways. I won’t say passing away though …that implies a hint of non-finality which to me defeats the purpose of death.

And that’s kinda what I got from Tolstoy’s book, a type of egotistical self-realization of non-finality - a last ditch (albeit natural) attempt from a man (Ivan) looking for answers he can’t find …then rationalizing and coming to terms with the entire concept/situation in a way that satisfies his own needs. Sure, this is definitely an argumentative point on my behalf, but I feel that is what occurs when Tolstoy takes liberties with what his mind/thoughts/internal conversations are. In one instance he calls out “not to an audible voice, but to the voice of his soul, to the flow of thoughts surging within him.” (pg. 118) giving his thoughts the title of soul. At a later time …”in his imagination he called to mind the best moments of his pleasant life.” (pg. 119) which rename these same thoughts with the title imagination. Again, he asks the question “Is it true that this is death? And an inner voice answered: …” (pg. 121) - simply re-assigning his thoughts with the title of inner voice …and finally at the end, where after having failed in expressing a thought, he knew “that He who needed to understand would understand” (pg. 133) - this time delegating his thoughts to be comprehended only by He …and of course he himself somehow knowing this.

The mind is the mind is the mind is the mind, and our preoccupation with understanding it by assigning it different ‘character roles’ is only a natural desire (perhaps defense?) to make sense of that which we cannot. We seem to believe that because we have this ‘inner voice’ that is known only to us, we can assign its purpose to what ever suits our needs. Expanding this, we could then conceive other voices - those from ourselves, from others, or from something removed or external from us …voices that seem/appear distinct from our own mind. In the end though, we only have our single mind …and our lack of understanding it (of which I’m inclined to feel we’ll luckily never accomplish) leads to these other roles/conversations …and when put to the task (in life threatening, near-death, dying, intense emotion/feelings/creativity etc.) we create and use these roles to make sense of things …to make peace with our internal conflicts.

What I did enjoy however, was Tolstoy’s portrayal of those grieving for a loved/valued one. He perceives their care and concern as a lie - (they) not being able to appreciate the fact that he was dying, but rather seeing his situation as a passing illness …”This lie, a lie perpetrated on the eve of his death. a lie that was bound to degrade the awesome, solemn act of his dying to the level of their social calls, their draperies, and the sturgeon they ate for dinner, was an excruciating torture for Ivan Ilyich.” (pg. 103) Offsetting ‘the ill seeking sympathy’ with ‘the grieving seeking the best possible outcome’ demonstrates how the act of dying plays havoc among even well-intentioned parties …emphasizing the complexity surrounding the issue.

Also worth noting is his fascination with his childhood …or rather, the good in his life. In his final days he would find all his fond and most precious memories were those from his youth - those from his innocence. His regular life (as an adult) did nothing for him - nothing meaningful that is. In fact “He saw that the awesome, terrifying act of his dying had been degraded …by that very ‘propriety’ to which he had devoted his entire life” (pg. 103). We seem to crave our youth because those are the years when we are/were genuinely open and honest …and in much of our adult world these virtues are unfortunately closed off/clogged/impeded for the sake of various warped social protocols. You can’t be in an ‘honest way’ because you fear your honesty will affect your standing in the community - it may expose those pesky ‘inner voices’. Yet it’s remarkable to note how honesty is usually the only way out of most troublesome and ‘dead-ended’ situations.

In the end Ivan Ilyich realized his life had not been the ‘good life’ - and to atoll for this dilemma he simply perceives this newly realized ‘bad life’ as something that was not genuine …something that was “not the real thing” (pg. 132). It is in this way that he can ‘honestly’ go forward into death …and death itself becomes light. Of course, only death itself is over (or rather changed) which allows for something else after death - and this is how the book ends, and Ivan Ilyich is redeemed for all his misguided past.

How fortunate for him.

the long and ‘blank’ road

More than 24 hours (within a 43 hour period) in a vehicle is not a good thing …kinda makes a guy go a little antsy.

But that was the gist of it. America Rosa did their Kelowna trip this weekend, and although the money was fine, family was visited and meals/hotel taken care of, it’s still not the best thing to do. The gig itself was a ‘good with the bad’ mix as the crowd and presentation was great - however the sound left quite a bit to be desired. The Kelowna Curling Club is akin to a super-sized school gymnasium - and no amount of lasers or fog machines could of changed the horrific amount of reverb that killed any attempt at anything musical …it just didn’t happen. Lessons to be learned though, and hopefully the promoters will look for another venue next time around.

I hope you don’t mind me mucking around with the page layout. I’ve started adding a few different things and decided to change the overall look as well. I’m sure when I grow bored I’ll switch things back - but in the meantime I hope to stay with the current look for a little while. Putting up all that old poetry crap inspired me to try something again …so for the first time in what has to be 6 or 7 years I decided to pen my feelings into a little ditty about ‘gray and rain’ - and I’ve posted it atop the page for easy finding. I’ll start adding songs within the next few weeks as well …my big problem is deciding whether to post the original versions or to try and redo/tidy up the production. Lol, common sense says to just post it - but then a little bird is telling me to at least make it presentable. We’ll see. I think I’ll try to rerecord things - if they take too long, then I’ll just post the originals.

Now I think I’ll try a little of that sleep thing again just to see if it’s still all it’s made out to be. Mmmmm …zzzzzzz’s.

Rene and Marko

thoughts on words

Language had always been a troubling point for me …specifically: words. How often do you carefully form an argument or stance or choose the appropriate words to express your thoughts and feelings only to discover that your point is still missed? In some areas (like maths) the specifics of a word are established …consistently used over and over again (take words like ‘plus’ or ‘divisor’), while in philosophy or spirituality circles words can take on many different ‘personal’ meanings (i.e.: heart or being).

I’ve been slowly going through Marvin Minsky’s “The Emotion Machine” and in one of his sections he attributes some of these ‘meaning’ problems to what he calls suitcase words - words that are open for multiple interpretations. Words such as love, pain, consciousness and belief for example, can be described in many different ways …which can lead to confusion and miscommunication. <he also notes that the oral presentation of an idea would be more descriptive and thorough as an orator can add to the standard meaning and effectively better explain his position. Oral traditions preceding the Scriptures would have also benefited in this same way …as well, this article opts for a combination of both ‘oral and written’ learning for a more powerful awareness of historical fact>. In David Loy’s article “The Dharma of Deconstruction” (Tricycle, Spring 2007) he talks about the linguistic turn - a realization that …”language does not simply reflect the world; in fact, it largely determines what we notice and what we do not.” With both this realization/concept (that he credits ‘Nagarjuna‘ for bringing to light in the late 2nd Cen. CE) and that of Minsky’s, it’s tough to not wonder what problems we set ourselves up for when we over-simplify complex world issues into matters such as ‘right and wrong’ …or ‘part of the problem’ and ‘part of the solution’.

Of these antithetical concepts (success - failure, good - evil, etc.) Loy states …”We distinguish between such opposing terms because we want one rather than the other, yet the meaning of each depends on the other”. His article equates certain Western philosophical perspectives (those from Nietzsche, Wittgenstein and Derrida) to collectively show the restrictions/limitations of language and the issue this creates. Minsky somewhat touches on this with what he calls dumbbell distinctions (premeditated vs impulse, deliberate vs spontaneous or intentional vs involuntary) and “conclude(s) that each division is simply too crude” (pg. 99). Loy advocates a type of ‘letting go’ from the constraints of language while Minsky proposes a ‘layered breakdown’ …a ‘getting to the bottom’ if you will.

Although both approachs propose different solutions (I’m choosing to weigh in on this when I better understand the issues), I feel it’s important to at least come away with a general appreciation of the problem …that is, to try to know completely what it is that you say or read. When you take this into consideration you will open the doors to constructive debates, clearer understandings and an appreciation of views that may in turn challenge or possibly change your own ideas - and this is a good thing.

new stuff

Hey all.

The ‘Happy Blogaversary’ is just around the corner so I figured I start throwing some more stuff up - cause what the heck …it’s fun. I’ll be redoing the ‘Pic’ links eventually, but I did post some old Poetry crap that’s been hiding under the bed - I’ll start putting up some tunes as well …I gotta splurge for the extra space but I have no problem with that as this whole ‘WordPress’ thing is pretty sweet! So yeah …more to come. And THANKS! WordPress - you guys/gals make things easy

ms. beetle and corinthian girls

Lately on Little House on the Prairie …Laura used some apples to simulate ‘bumps‘ so she could grab the eye of a young suitor - these fell out in class and she was predictably upset. Charles and Mr. Garvey realized that they shouldn’t worry about making money and instead spend more time with their families - so they skipped out on a meal of ‘S-car-gots‘ that they had ordered. Ms. Beetle met up with Mr. Simms (the pig farmer) and he wooed her with a smoked ham so they decided to get married …but not before Nelly and the Simms boy (who went to the corn shuckin’ together) got it in their heads to get married as well - they got to the Preacher in Sleepy Eye and he ended up doing a double service …and of course Mrs. Olsen was happy that things turned out and she didn’t have to use the shotgun that her and Nels had brought along as subtle persuasion.

Also, Socrates (in the Republic of Plato) decided that Vice could never know both itself and Virtue while Virtue (in a well trained nature) will in time come to a knowledge of Vise as well as itself. The crowd in attendance seemed to agree …and they also agreed that the physically unsound will be left to die and those who are corrupt of the mind should be put to death - this of course is obviously the best thing for those being killed (and those left to die) and the community at large. Interestingly, any man looking to keep himself fit should never take a Corinthian girl as a mistress, a Guardian is surely the last person to be allowed to get drunk, warriors on campaign should never eat fish or boiled meat …only pork, there can be no worse hinderance than excessive care of the body (excluding the exercise it needs to keep it in health) and finally some arrow injuries are remedied by sucking the blood and spreading mild simples‘ about the wound.

I’ve completely out done myself today.

the admission

I am a Hermit …although a Troglodyte might be more appropriate.

I live in solitude even in the company of others, am introverted (although I’m not totally preoccupied with my own thoughts), a lone wolf, an oddball - the guy who never seems to fit in. Weirdo and creep might also be appropriate synonyms, however they bring up some extra stuff that doesn’t really fit - none the less they would suffice in a pinch. I am shy, self-conscious, unsocial and go out of my way to avoid contact - even in casual and informal meetings I’ll find an opportunity to leave at the earliest opening. I am a loner. This is who I am and the way I live. I feel sad about it not because I won’t change but because I can’t. This is the reason I avoid most personal contact …the reason I avoid intimate contact. I’ve been shut in for most of my adult life and although I’ll admit to the possibility of an ‘opening’ - I’ll never present it myself nor likely accept it if given. This is rooted in me. I can offer no explanation although I can propose possible causes …yet at the same time I have no regrets.

I’ve recently come to this realization after an awkward meeting.

I googled the subject and came across the book “Party of One” by Anneli S. Rufus. I’ve reserved it (it’s at my local library) and am interested in seeing just how much of an outsider I really am - or possibly get some perspective on it. I know being this way is not normal - but by the same thought you could never really have ‘normal’ if it weren’t for those like me in the first place. Anyway, this is what’s on my mind right now …and I thought I’d share this before I dismissed/buried it once again.

matlock and friends

I didn’t notice it before but ‘The Fresh Prince of Bel Air‘ is pretty funny!

I think what I like about it is that Will and Carlton (and others) know that what they’re doing is campy/cheesy …and they won’t try to hide it by re-taking and holding a straight face through a skit (that’s my guess at least). It’s probably the same reason why I don’t mind ‘That 70’s Show‘ either - it works because the actors laugh at themselves at the same time you do …kinda lets you in on things in a way. I may as well let you in on the fact that I can’t seem to turn off Matlock (if I come across it during the final half hour) - for some reason I have to see old Matty break all standard evidence gathering procedures while at the same time getting the guilty party to confess to everything - it’s just incredible …I even think Alan Shore paid homage to him one time. Little House on the Prairie is another one …I think I’ve seen every episode more than once yet still can never seem to change the channel - and I occasionally end up crying. Yes, I’ve said it - I sometimes cry when watching Little House. So shut up

These last few weeks I’ve been playing the trombone almost every day …for a little while at least. Going through the ‘Dixie’ Real Book as well as skimming over the original Real Book …just for fun. Don’t know why really. The nice thing is that my lips seem to be lasting more. It used to be the case that after any short playing session I’d get little bumps on the outside of my upper lip …kinda like an ingrown hair but not - just small, red and slightly raised (sorry, too much info). They’d disappear after a few days and even when they were around you probably wouldn’t even notice them. Anyway, since I’ve been playing regularly they don’t come out anymore. Yea!

I should also mention that I bought (on impulse) a drum kit. It’s a 5 piece (hh, ride as well) older Tama ‘Rockstar‘ kit from the early 90’s. Cost $175 plus I spent another $90 replacing some hardware (thanks to Scotty and pal’s over here) …now it’s all fine! Managed to fit things into a small little corner of my dungeon and as long as the sewer doesn’t back up then I should be well on my way to ‘para-diddle‘ heaven. I’ve been going through the ‘Funky Primer‘ for fun too - and the Steve Gadd sticks make me feel like I know what I’m doing - but of course these are for show, because when you SUCK as much as I do you need any edge you can get.

yardbird stuff

After 5+ rehearsals and a few episodes of the nauseous Pizza 73 blues, the Tilo gig is finally done. Things went over well enough for those in attendance, and more importantly Tilo himself seemed happy with the results. For myself however, it was a little bit of deja vu. I don’t get it really - and it’s not just about this night but pretty much any performance I’ve done that involved people (ie: band-mates) and the ‘artificial sweetener‘ of the day they decide to use.

I’m not a big fan of drugs. I consider alcohol a pleasantly wrapped variant of the standard illegal assortment that can be found on your local street corner, back alley, suburban bedroom or bought through your 50 year old grandma looking to make a little extra on the side, and I myself have never succumbed to it or its users peer pressure. I remember back in high-school actually hot knifing for some friends who were soooo out of it that I thought they’d burn the place down if left to their own. Lots of people (throughout my 15 years of playing) have been into it - some in moderation and others who simply couldn’t perform without it. Or so they thought.

Funny though, ALL of the guys (and girls) that I’ve played with who have smoked up typically think they’re performing better - but IMHO none of them ever have …and I’ve played with each of them while they were not under the influence as well. From my experience it’s a myth. It’s an untruth that people who get high before they play play better. I doesn’t happen. Sure, they think they do …but from my ears that’s not the case. Thinking back a bit, those who have used drugs while playing also have used drugs casually as well - so that in itself may say something about the rationale for using it creatively.

I have been drunk. It has been fun. However I did NOT play better while hammered …and the reason for my drinking was not because I needed a new creative outlook but was typically A) because it was free, B) because I was nervous C) because I was bored and D) because it was free. Lol, that’s the main reason for me …free drinks! I don’t like the taste of beer or wine or different liquors - usually I find myself falling for the sweet girly type beverages …the ones loaded down with sugar (mikes for example) or the ever tasty margaritas that most would reserve for the holidays. I never drank till’ I was 18, drank maybe once every 3 months until the mid 90’s and only got into it when I started club gigs, road trips and special events. I NEVER have alcohol in the house, buy it infrequently for parties/get togethers and come to think of it have had maybe 6 drinks to date this year. Generally don’t like it - and definitely don’t need it.

To get back to my story though, Tilo decided that for this big event he would ‘get started’ early rather than waiting till a set break or something - the indication of course was his coming up to me before the gig and giving his ‘wasted out of his mind pep-talk’ that rambles on about stuff like “believe in you”, “have a good heart”, “you know this music”, “we do great things together” along with the infamous “Aiieeee” thrown in between every 3rd or 4th word (you kinda gotta be there to understand this part). The short of it is that he was high, he thought he was a musical genius (in some respects he is …but not in this state) and he tried to play as many notes as humanly possible with his drum kit - which included 4 Timbales (in case some may have missed that).

Things stayed together fine enough …but the disappointing part for me is knowing that Tilo can do better as a player, do better in getting more/different types of work and perhaps even gain the support of those he plays with so that he might eventually hold together a solid group to consistently work with - and this would in turn help to show off his amazing talent that most (including Carlos Santana) know he has.

This gig gets 3 out of 5 claves.

Image courtesy of Tracy Kolenchuck